Odds N EndsNo one likes to admit their faults, especially when it comes to parenting. I wish I could say the biggest mistake I’ve made as a mom is something silly like, “Oh, I just love them too much,” but that would be a lie. I love my kids to pieces, of course, but I’ve also made some big mistakes along the way.
In the past I probably would’ve said the biggest mistakes I’ve made are not being patient enough and raising my voice. Those are definitely not moments I’m proud of, but I realized they’re just symptoms of a bigger mistake I was making.
The biggest mistake I’ve made as a mom is teaching my kids that they don’t have to listen to me. It wasn’t intentional, of course, but that’s exactly what I’ve done.
With every reminder and second, third, fourth, or fifth chance I’ve given them, I’ve taught my kids that I’m not really serious when I speak, and that they don’t really have to listen when I say something.
My desire to not see them upset and to give them another chance has taught them that they basically only have to listen to me when I raise my voice, which gets old pretty fast with four kids in the house.
I don’t want to have a home that has a lot of yelling or repeating. I want to know that my kids will listen when I tell them to do something, and they’ll do it well so there are going to be some changes around here. From now on, when I say something I’m going to mean it… the first time. No more endless chances. I’m going to get better about teaching my kids that they have the power to choose their consequences, both good and bad.
Listening, doing what they’re told, and keeping things tidy and organized will all result in good consequences and more fun. Disobeying, doing a poor job, and pretending to do what they’ve been told will result in the delay or loss of fun activities. They choose with their behavior.
I think this will probably be difficult at first, as all new habits are to establish, but ultimately I think it’ll help to reduce the stress and mess in our home. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve told my oldest to clean up only to later find his room still a complete mess or things shoved where they don’t belong. I feel like we’ve been having these battles for years, and that’s my fault. I’ve given way too many chances and haven’t followed through enough when things aren’t done as they’re supposed to be.
So kids, get ready for a new mom. I’m going to be calm, say things once, and deliver the consequences you choose (both good and bad) through your behavior. Here’s to a calmer, more put together, happier home. I’m looking forward to it.
What a great point “chose the consequences” – I like that, and it is so true. I think my husband is much worse at that than I am – but perhaps I could lead by example. Good luck – I hope you have a calmer house, after the initial adjustment period.
great post, I think many parents do this…thanks for sharing on Thrifty Thursday
you are absolutely right on!!! When our
second child was 1 1/2 we found a wonderful book called To Train Up a Child by Micheal Pearl. The common sense in this book was over the top. We have to train our children to be what we want them to be and do. My kids are 15 and 13 now and I’m so proud of the way they have turned out. It was hard training to get them where they are, but so worth it to have men who think and help and are compassionate now. Keep on it. It will all be worth it!
That is a great book! I have 2 boys. A 2 year old and a 1 year old with another baby due in November. I am trying to do what the book says and it is hard at times but I know it will be so worth it. I already see good traits my 2 year old is getting from the training and it is very encouraging. My 1 year old needs some more work, he is very stubborn.
Please read the reviews on Amazon regarding the bookTo Train up a Child. That book seems truely awful. It instructs parents to abuse their children. I do hope you explore other parenting books. I have found the Love and Logic series to be helpful. Best wishes to you.
If you’ve read the book, then you know that the book is meant to train your child so that you don’t resort to abuse out of anger or frustration. If you can train your child to obey the first time both the child and the mother would be much happier. Like any book or advice, use what you can and leave the rest. I’ve read much literature from the Pearls and seeing the results in their grown up children really speaks for itself.
It’s absolutely heartbreaking to read the quotes on this book. It’s total child abuse and it should be illegal to sell or even freely distribute it. Children can be challenging at time but if you don’t have the patience to deal with them, then just don’t have children. I have a wonderful but very strong willed two year old son and I’ve found the advice from the book “No bad kids” from Janet Lansbury to be working great. RESPECT and PATIENCE are the keywords.
To “abuse” your child? What exactly do you consider abuse?
Hitting a baby is abuse. No matter what the baby does. Using violence as a way to force your children to fear you is abuse. No matter how “gentle” that violence is.
I’m sorry for continuing to comment on an old post, but this book is particularly disturbing and I am horrified to learn of people using it. Here is more information on why it is a terrible guide for parents:
http://whynottrainachild.com/2010/04/20/quotes-from-ttuac/
Your article is a GREAT reminder of a true principle in parenting. It is so easy to see in others and not myself! LOL I haven’t read to train up a child, but a friend showed me something even better than Love and Logic, would you believe! “Christlike Parenting” or especially “The Power of Positive Parenting” from Dr. Glenn Latham. IF you are trying to not be abusive but teach, you will LOVE this and it is 10x more effective. Look at the reviews online! Here is a video of him speaking https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKYXCFM4QN4 and a free course http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/oer-power-of-positive-parenting/
http://www.examiner.com/article/another-couple-found-guilty-of-murder-for-parenting-by-to-train-up-a-child
haha, parenting is a serious of revelations! better to set rules early on than later !
glad i stopped by 🙂
Isn’t that the truth! 🙂 I’ve learned all kinds of things from my kids.
This is such a great reminder! It’s so easy to get into this habit. Thanks for the pointers. We’re preparing for our first, so I can use all the pointers I can get (even if I won’t need them for a bit).
Congratulations!!
I think that’s something all moms struggle with. I only have a 3yr old right now so I understand there will be a little repeating as she is learning. But I definitely have times where she gets too many chances…and she takes advantage of it.
(visiting from Inspire Me Monday)
I think that’s what’s so hard. Kids start as sweet little bundles who may need some repeating, and they quickly morph into little stinkers who have figured out how to take advantage of us! 🙂
I love this. I really don’t think I’ve ever thought of it that way before, but I will now, Thank you! #inspireme
You’re so welcome. Thanks for reading 🙂
I have a hard time finding an appropriate consequence. Suggestions where to look?
This can be hard! I’ve heard the best consequences are those that are natural extensions of whatever’s been going on (if they make a mess, they clean it up. etc). I think that works in a lot of situations, but sometimes they need to lose privileges too. Afterall, they’re “privileges” and not “rights.”
Good call, Emily. I think I’m in the same boat and I need to go back to the 1, 2, 3 Magic way of parenting: say it once and expect it done, if it’s not done, give a warning and if the warning is ignored go with the consequences. Back to basics for us!! x
I’m guessing most moms struggle with this exact issue. I know I do. I’d love to read a follow up with how this goes for you. Good luck!
Thanks, Jessica! I’m getting better about not giving a ton of chances, but the kids aren’t liking it too much lol
I’m totally using this later. =) My daughter’s only a year and a half so it’ll be awhile before we can fully establish this, but gently starting now will make such a huge difference!
Great idea, Jaime! You’ll be so happy you started while she was young 🙂
When our children were young they were given a chore and a timer was set. I gave them reasonable goals. If they were still working when the timer went off they were allowed more time only if they had made progress. If they procrastinated to long no extra time was given and everything still out of place was taken away and put into a container and then into the attic. They were only allowed to get their things back when they learned to listen and obey. This seems harsh but it worked. My son once wore the same outfit for three weeks. We washed them of course. He learned the importance of getting things done in a timely manor. They were also rewarded for doing a good job.
Oh my word. This back fires on me regularly. I know it’s because I’m not consistent with my follow through. It broke me today, and I realize I really need to tighten it up with the follow through.
I’ve done this since the kids are little. It works, but not 100% of the time, even 9 years later.
I’m totally with you on this. So often we train our kids to do the opposite of what we want them to do…sometimes because we are just too tired. I just wrote a post about this, too. Thanks for sharing this at #homemattersparty
i need to join you in this endeavor. You’re so right that’s it’s very important…but soo hard.
Soooo very hard!
As a parent and special ed teacher that works with children with behavioral needs. I wholeheartedly agree that hollow threats with no follow through cause more problems! Set reasonable consequences and follow through!! The children will learn you mean business. If earninng something is an incentive and they do not earn it, do not give them another chance!! If they think they will get it anyway by doing the chore later or giving you those puppy eyes, they will never do it the first time. The younger a child learns mom or dad mean what they say, the easier it will be as they move into the teen years.
Absolutely! My kids rock those puppy eyes, but they aren’t working anymore! 🙂
I’m curious, you posted this a month ago.. How is it working out?
Another question: did you explain to your children the change in regime/ attitude before implementing? As in, giving them fair warning, from now on I will only ask once.
How did your children react to these changes? Did they adapt quickly?
I ask all this because I went through a similar change of mindset when my boys were growing up. I was turning into the shouty, repetitive mom that I didn’t want to be. Then it occurred to me that I was preparing them for a future, where their boss wouldn’t repeatedly ask them to complete tasks, their partner would soon tire of having to shout to get attention. I realized they needed to learn that their actions (or inaction) would have consequences.
So I told them what was changing and why. They soon learned that if they didn’t pick up their room, toys left on the floor were confiscated for two weeks. If they did it again, the toys were donated. If they didn’t look after them, they were showing me that they didn’t really want them any longer. If clothes were not put away, they were put on laundry duty for a week. Shoes not tidied away and bags stowed, they were tasked with cleaning the families shoes and keeping the mud room mopped and tidy.
It seems harsh on the surface, to remove fun or privileges if tasks are not completed or if Mom is ignored. But our house was calmer and more organized as a result. I was less stressed and once they got over the shock of “yes, she really did mean that would happen” There was more time for fun because we didn’t waste it with nagging and shouting.
It’s going pretty well. I did explain to them that they’d no longer have an endless amount of chances and from now on when I say something they were expected to do it or there would be consequences. It’s definitely decreasing the arguing and stress in the home, which is great. We still have room for improvement, but overall things are getting better. As for the consequences, I think they’re great. Too many kiddos (including some of my own, unfortunately) think they’re entitled to get whatever they want.
I’ve got one son raised (21) but have 4 more children still at home ages 2 to 14. I have always been the second chance mom, never going through on my threats. This will be tough but I think this is exactly what we need. Thanks for the eye opener.
I’m so glad to hear it was helpful, Melissa! I also completely understand. We love our babies and want them to be happy, but those little stinkers quickly learn how to play us. They’re so smart!
This is probably the most common parenting mistake of all. Kudos to you for figuring it out on your own.
My children are grown, now, with children of their own and I can tell you that they are much better at this than I was. Of course, I’m much better at it, now, too. I’ve always said that the reason we have children is to make parents grow up! Mine finally accomplished that with me. 🙂
The secret to teaching your children to listen to you is to take the emotion out of the process. You don’t want them to respond to your anger, you want them to respond to your WORDS. Emotion is really quite out of place when teaching a skill or a habit. Tell them what you want from them, what success looks like, and thank them when they complete the task. (And don’t go in and “fix” it, later.)
I’m writing an article about this on my website today. I’ll reference your article, Emily. I have some good advice for parents struggling with this issue….tested by time and proven in both of my daughters. http://Www.conservativeprepper.com
You’re so right; kids should respond to our words not our emotions, and nothing’s ever made me grow up more than motherhood!
When my girls were young, I decided that I was the adult and they were the were the children, if I told them something I meant it. But, I also told them that if they decided not to just what the consequences would be and I,followed through. Then if they decided they didn’t want to do it, they had to pay the price.
When my youngest was 15 she went with a friend and didn’t come home for 2 days, I went and found her and I took her to the police station, took her inside, explained to the police what happened and she was handcuffed and taken to Youth Crisis. Where she stayed for three days. It seems that I am a b***have but, both of my girls turned out to be wonderful Mothers, and productive members of society. Their bosses are constantly impressed by their work ethnic and their attention to doing a good job. I couldn’t be more proud of them. They also have compassion for others, they are involved in the community and their children’s schools.
They have told me that they are so glad that I made them make choices because it made them realize that they are in charge of their lives and they are the ones who can change not only their lives but the lives of the people around them if they choose.
I guess that’s the thing to remember, that when we give them the choice that it’s up to them. It’s not us against them, it’s us together. That we have to guide them to make the right choices, but, no matter what they choose we love them. Something that makes them stronger than anything else. I tell my children “I love you” when ever I talk or text them.
I guess I did forget to tell one thing that I think made the difference when I, We chose this path, is EXPLAIN to your children the choices, the Consequences, whether it is reward or punishment, whether the punishment they will receive is worth the action. My daughter’s had to think about what action they were going to take. I had a a job to do as their Mom to make sure that they knew what we expected of them. But, they had a tougher job to decide what kind of person they were going to be. I’m proud to say that they are such wonderful girls, but, that’s not to say that they are perfect, they aren’t, but because of the way they were raised they know that nothing comes easily without the hard work it takes to earn it. That No one owes them a thing, and that it is only by their own choices that they can accomplish anything. I spent a lot of time with my girls explaining how the world worked and what they could expect from it.
There were times when I had to stand back and let them make the mistakes they were going to make, and I suffered right along with them, but, I did what I could to prepare them and that’s all we can do. Your children will Thank you for the choices you make now. Love them, cry with them, rejoice with them, and make them the best they can be, do whatever you can to help them do the next right thing.
I’m sorry this is such a long post, but I felt it very important to explain the consequences we make as parents. It’s in your children’s best interests to guide them in the right direction. We can’t waver in our devotion to them, and in the end you can’t make the choices for them. We have to believe that we they will do the right thing. And if they don’t we also can’t blame ourselves for failing. They make the choice for their own lives. We can only guide them and LOVE, BELIEVE in them.
So very true! I do that same thing with my kids (help them think about/tell them the consequences and let them decide). It really works well. I also try to emphasize that they are responsible for their lives and decisions, and they have a lot of control over how things go. It does work really well, and it’s comforting to know that it works with the big kids too. 🙂 Thanks for sharing, Jodie!
Great article! I don’t have kids but I did work at a middle school and the same hing happened.. Very eloquently put.
L
Thanks, Lauren! 🙂
My stepmom started watching alot of the grandkids (34 total) and she starts by saying- “I know its different at your house but here Im a ONE TIME GRANDMA. and what does that mean??” and they all reply in unison (no matter if they are there often or not. some only come for the summer)- ” You will only tell us one time if we dont listen we go in the corner.” My stepmom continues and says “everybody ready to have fun?”
While I think it might work better for grandparents- I have started saying this to my daughter and stpepson (teenager and yes I will put him in the corner) And it is quite an attention getter! When I put the 13 and 6 yr old in the corner I dont put a timer on- they leave when they are ready to do what I asked. I think the most important thing to me though is that we still talk about it- do you understand why I needed that done now and not later… or why were you so angry at me for asking you to clean up.
They do ask if its negotiating time- and if I say ok then we can change the way we are doing it but if I say no then they no if they bring it up again its straight to the corner.
they definately knew I meant business when I made them go to the corner when their friends were here….rules dont change
NO YELLING just lots of walking to and from THE CORNER
Emily, I can relate. I have one child and because of that I know I’ve given her too much leeway. This weekend I had her more involved in household chores. That’s probably my biggest issue is that now she’s older I will have her help out more and understand that’s her responsibility too. I also want her to read her Bible more and put down the electronics so we have some reworking to do! Thanks for a great post!
Thanks, Natasha! I feel like I’m in the same boat. My oldest is 13, and I realize now that we haven’t been expecting or requiring enough from him around the house. The little ones won’t get off so easy. It’s a lot easier to train them when they’re young than once they’re hit the teen years.
Following through is very hard. But don’t feel so bad about yelling some times. Each child is different. I remember seeing moms give their children the five minute time-out, and their children would know what to do. I tried that with my daughter and she ran the other way. So then that’s when I yelled I guess. But I do believe in consequences. But that doesn’t always work either. I would tell her “no tv for two days”, and believe it or not she was perfectly fine with it! So sometimes we yell 🙂 As long as we love them and show them affection MORE than we yell, then it’s okay.
So true! I do think we have many more happy moments than sad or upset so that’s good 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
OMG, I feel as if I just met myself! In fact, just this morning, before school, I was yelling at my 16 year old! All the while thinking a) I don’t want to be doing this, b) I know this is the worst way to deal with him, and c) why do I have to be totally stressed out at 5:30 in the morning? You said it: I’ve taught them to be this way, and nobody is happy.
Thank you for giving me the feeling that I’m not alone, and hope that things can get better!
You’re definitely not alone, Sarah! Stressed and yelling is the worst way to start the day, isn’t it. (I, unfortunately, know from experience.) I hope things get better for you too!
Thanks for this.. this is a great reminder for a first mom like me.
I know it’s hard not to yell specially if she/he is not listening.
I love that you are consciously becoming the person you want your kids to be. I was raised with a mom who yelled. I’m sure she didn’t want to yell, but that is what we heard much of the time. Before I married I decided I don’t need to be a yeller. It wasn’t easy. There is something difficult in denying yourself. I decided, my kids deserved to have someone teach them how to think about consequences rather than someone who taught them to only listen to yelling.
My adventure began with me telling the kids (when they were in trouble) that they needed to go to their room and think about their actions, and that I would join them in 5 minutes to talk. While they went to their room, I went to my room to calm down and rethink what is right and what is fair in the moment. I’m thankful I could conquer my yelling side. Looking back, I realize that I didn’t listen to my mother in her best days and I tuned out her worst days. I’m spending time catching up our relationship now. I’m just thankful I have the opportunity to do it before I lose her.
God Bless you and your family.
I completely agree with not giving them endless chances. But, I also think that we shouldn’t expect them to act like mini adults. That is not what they are. Instead of punishing for performing poorly, it would be better to talk with your child and see what’s really going on. There could be a serious underlying issue that you miss without talking with them. Also, children need a space they can call their own that doesn’t have to constantly be policed. Maybe you let their room be as messy as they’d like until a certain time of day or certain day, but the rest of the house they need to work to keep neat on a consistent basis. The best way to figure a balance for your sanity and the happiness of your children is to sit down and have a family counsel about what you want, what they want, and how you can come together to create harmony.
Hi Heidi, I couldn’t agree more! I can’t quite do the family counsel idea with everyone yet as two of my kiddos are still quite small, but hearing what the older two have to say is very helpful and enlightening. 🙂
Sorry to post, again, but the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child teaches parents to help their children develop a moral compass and better understand and govern their emotions. This helps the child make the best choice the first time and keeps strong relationships with parents so there is less disobedience and an environment of openness and honesty.
I’ll check it out. Thanks so much, Heidi! (and you never have to apologize for commenting. Comments keep me blogging!) 🙂
Thanks for sharing your post at INSPIRE ME MONDAY link party. Parenting and raising children to be productive, responsible adults is one of the most important jobs we can do. I have raised three young men and it is so wonderful when you see that your efforts were not in vain. Making rules and sticking to them is the best thing you can do for them, besides giving them tons of love. Prepares them for the real world. I hope to see you again on Monday. Take care.
So hard, but so true! Thanks for hosting 🙂
You are so on track! I teach preschool and see and experience this every day. I have to tell some of the kids 4 or 5 times to do something because they have not been trained to listen the first time. What a concept!! They find out very soon that their teacher is not like their parent and that there will be consequences to their actions. Thanks for putting this into words for me!
This works!!! We had a really tough adjustment period, but following more of the love and logic methods of parenting has changed our world! My little man does his chores and homework every day after school without me needing to ask at all. Because I believe he will and I praise him when he does. When I ask him to do something he immediately does, because he likes that better than fighting, too! It has changed my son from an average argumentative boy, to an angel! We don’t fight much, there are virtually no more power struggles, I don’t raise my voice, and he very nearly always listens! It’s brought us closer and made the whole family closer!
The name of that book in and of itself is awful! You don’t “train” children. They are PEOPLE! You love your little people and you believe they are good at the core. You don’t scare them into submission! There are multiple murders of little angels from ‘training’ them! I teach my son that he is a person. Who is accountable for his own actions. So he makessmart and admirable decisions! My 6 yyear old recieves awards at school for his kindness and respect. I never hit him with anything. That’s abuse. I don’t abuse the people I love. Don’t abuse your babies because some idiot said it’s right! Please!!! My heart is in pieces over this! Please please look into love and logic. It really really works!
I’m so bad with this. I always want to give another chance until eventually I reverse direction and start yelling. It’s no fun and leaves everyone feeling miserable. So how has it gone over the last 6 months? Do you have a follow up post?
I haven’t written a follow up yet, but I should! It’s getting better, but there’s definitely room for improvement. 0:)
I love this! I do however, struggle with consequences. I most certainly understand that there has to be consequences and boundaries drawn, but on the other hand, Heavenly Father allows me to continually make mistakes and seek forgiveness. I want my child to learn both aspects. It just makes it hard when I am so, so imperfect and prone to being tired and hangry.
Oh Haley, I so relate to this (especially the tired and hangry parts!). One thing I like about parenting this way is I think it actually perfectly mirrors what happens to us in real life. God gave us free will, but our decisions aren’t free from consequences (either good or bad) so I do my best to let the natural consequences follow my children’s behavior. I want what happens after their behavior to make sense so they learn that by choosing a certain behavior (again, good or bad) they are also choosing the consequence (good or bad). Grace and forgiveness are always important… especially when hangry and tired, 🙂
Thanks for sharing at Merry Monday, hope to see you again next week!
This is absolutely true and very hard to accomplish. I think the key is to explain, over and over, that they need to listen the first time and make sure that they do.
So hard to do it! You’re right though, Dani, expectations need to be clearly expressed! Thanks so much for sharing 🙂
Good for you! It’s great that you were able to figure out the root of the problem and that you are willing to change the way you parent. I hope that it goes well for you! Thanks for sharing at #HomeMattersParty!
Thanks, Hannah! I’m getting better, but there’s definitely still room for improvement.
I have struggled with this too! It’s hard to be really consistent, but I find that when I DO follow through consistently once I’ve set clear expectations, my boys really do respond better to me. Ugh, it’s the staying calm while they’re throwing a tantrum about it that’s hard for me!
That’s so hard, Meg! When my kids scream and yell I sometimes just whisper so they have to be quiet to hear me.
The biggest mistake we can do as a moms is to not talk and listen what our kids needs. I know it is difficult… just going true this with my “crazy” son. But understanding each other is the only way how any relationship can work. If I need him to do something I explain him why it is so important for me. I also ask what is his opinion about it and patiently waiting for his respond. Only than I know he knows.. And it works the same way when he needs something.
My son is 22 moths old, so there is not so much talking but he always show his emotions. I just have to be patient and understand his needs and because kids learning from us he is doing the same :).
This is really what Karen Pryor gets at in her books, Don’t Shoot The Dog, & Reaching the Animal Mind. ( I mean, we ARE animals, so of course it works on us too! and she talks about that!)
I’ve never heard of those. I’ll have to check them out. Thanks for the recommendations!
Thank you so much for sharing. I have made those mistakes. My son is 11 and daughter 13…it’s a journey I just started so your post was very encouraging.
I’m so happy to hear that, Jennifer. Thank you!