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I am by no means an expert, and compared to many I’m still a rookie when it comes to this whole marriage thing, but in honor of my 5th wedding anniversary I thought I’d share some things that have helped my husband and I have a happier marriage.
1) It’s cliche, but communicate.
Let me guess, you’ve heard this one before. That’s because it really is the cornerstone of a healthy, happy relationship. In my opinion, it’s extremely important to avoid playing games with people. Being passive aggressive or expecting your partner to simply know you’re unhappy is not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you because it will just lead to more frustration.
I recently read that, “Expectations are nothing more than delayed resentments,” and boy can I relate to that! I think we do more damage to ourselves and our relationships when we expect the other person to intuitively know how they’re upsetting us and how to fix it. Looking for a better tactic? Try to voice your concerns in a calm, loving way. (I said “try.” Trust me, I know all too well that’s not always possible, but he’ll be more receptive to you if you’re not out for blood or badgering him.)
2) Be the Change
Every relationship has its ups and downs. It’s normal. If you show me someone who says every day is like riding through rainbows on a unicorn, I’ll show you someone who’s either delusion or lying. Stuff happens, but just as Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world,” I believe we must also be the change we wish to see in our relationships.
If your partner’s not giving you something you need try this approach: give it to him and see what happens. If he’s not affectionate enough, be affectionate with him. If he’s not spontaneous enough, surprise him with a special date night and have fun together. One sure fire way to NOT get what you want is to start nagging. No one wants to cuddle up to someone who’s just ripped them a new… shall I say “orifice?” Someone who’s being sweet and affectionate, however, is definitely inviting cuddles and loving and will probably get it in return. After all, you catch more flies with honey.
One of the biggest mistakes we can make is being stubborn enough to think, “I shouldn’t have to do that. I want him to do it.” Once you experience how great it feels to get what you’ve been missing you won’t really care who initiated it. Furthermore, you’ll be acting to create a better relationship environment thereby encouraging wonderful behavior from him at the same time.
3) It’s the Little Things
I think we should always be showing our spouses how much we appreciate and love them. A small, simple action or word can go a long way in making someone feel appreciated. Given that everyone appreciates feeling acknowledged, try thanking your honey for all he does.
- “Thanks for working so hard for our family.”
- “Thanks for playing with the kids so I could take a shower.”
- “Thanks for getting the mail.”
It doesn’t have to be a big thing; just let him know he’s appreciated.
A fun way to let someone know how much you love and appreciate them is by leaving little surprise notes around the house. A post-it note in his wallet that says, “Surprise, I love you!” or on the steering wheel of his car that says, “Have a great day!” can really give someone a nice jolt of love adrenaline. Of course, these notes can always be a little more scandalous too so be careful if you have kiddos who can read.
4) Prioritize
In a mess of working, bills, cleaning, kids, and family and friend obligations it can be easy to lose track of what’s important: one another.
Sometimes we have so many things on our plate that taking time to reconnect can feel like
But making your partner your first priority preserves your relationship. All too often, the things that feel like emergencies in the moment can wait a minute, an hour, a day while you reconnect with your spouse. Yes, sometimes other things will be more important, but a lot of the minutiae that consumes us can be done after a few minutes of checking in with your partner to see how his day was, which leads us beautifully into #5…
5) Touch one another!
This is a fun one! Of course there’s always the baby-making kind of touching, but don’t limit your physical affection for one another to the bedroom (or kitchen, parking lot, or wherever you’re crazy enough to do it).
A simple kiss, hug, caress on the hand or back, or dance around the kitchen while dinner’s cooking can be all it takes to gently say, “I’m here for you, and I love you.” Plus, if you have kids they love to see this stuff. They may say, “EW!” but they’ll probably be smiling while they say it. My husband and I have taken a few twirls around the kitchen while dinner’s cooking, and the kids always start dancing right along with us. A little family dance party before dinner is a lot of fun (and sure beats yelling about who’s setting the table). Plus, a little hug or kiss is a great way to decrease stress and bring a smile to your face.
Like I said before, I am by no means a relationship expert. My husband and I have great days when I can’t imagine how I’d ever live without him and not so great days when I throw all of these tips out the window and can’t imagine standing another second in his presence! Thankfully, those moments of frustration are few and far between. Overall we definitely have more happy days than not, and these are the 5 things I’ve learned in my first 5 years of marriage.
So, I’m curious to know… whatever your status (single, married, divorced), what are your tips for a happy relationship? {Linking up here}
I definitely agree with #3. Some days we do not see each other for more than 10 minutes and it really is just a simple “Thank you.” which makes some of the day better.
love this! I can’t wait for you to write more posts, we are soooo on the same wavelength in so many areas!!
Thanks, that’s so sweet. Truthfully, I still feel weird about writing that post because I’d hate for someone to think that I think I have all the answers or something (I never know how someone’s going to interpret my writing), but it seemed like a nice way to mark our anniversary. I’m so excited you stopped by! 🙂
LOVE these tips! It’s so true that you should always show your spouse what you want from them…
Happy 5 years! We’ll be married 5 years Oct 18. Kind of a cool milestone.. wishing you many more!
Thanks for linking it up at Tips & Tricks!
Congratulations! I agree, a very cool milestone. Sometimes I can’t believe we’ve already been married 5 years… and other times it’s like, “Only 5 years?!” I hope you have a wonderful anniversary celebration and many more to come!
Some great tips and I couldn’t resist reading because of the title! I’m a bit of a veteran at marriage, with 13 years under my belt. We don’t do all of this stuff, but something must be working for us.
Found you over at Clairejustine’s bloghop.
13 years, I’d say a lot is working! Congratulations! I’m definitely still a newbie. It’ll be interesting to see how my thoughts on this evolve as time passes and I have more experience under my belt. I’d love to hear your secrets for making a marriage work if you’re up for sharing. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
Awe I really adore these tips Emily! I think every married couple needs to read them!
I’d love it if you linked this up over at Living Well Spending Less for Thrifty Thursday this week! http://www.livingwellspendingless.com/category/thrifty-thursday/
Hi Ruth, I’m so excited you stopped by! I’d love to link up for Thrifty Thursday. I adore your site. Thanks so much.
You have a good start. May I add: NEVER GO TO SLEEP ANGRY. Decide how your children are to be reared together, then stand behind the word of your spouse (groom or bride) when speaking to your child. If Dad said “no”, it’s no. If Mom said “yes”, it’s yes. Whoever answered first is followed, unless there is a reason for the two of you to talk and change what was said, together. NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE, especially faults. Be appreciative. Go to church or temple together. There’s a triangle in marriage: God at the top point, husband and wife at the two bottom points, all working together. When one of you leaves the house, kiss and realize that he/she may never come back. This is something we had to learn in the Air Force. Keep the marriage alive even after children join you.
Linda, widow of Stanley, mother of 2 girls, grandmother of 5, great-grandmother of 3.
married February 29, 1964 – June 8, 2011 when Stan passed away.
Thank you for sharing, Linda. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. It warms my heart to hear of people who are able to remain married despite what life puts in our way. I absolutely agree with everything you said. Our kiddos have tried quite a few times to play that “mom and dad against one another” game (without luck I’m happy to report) so I completely agree it’s extremely important for mom and dad to be a team. Excellent additions to the list! 🙂
Hi! I really enjoy your blog! I was kinda hopin that you’d hop on by mine and become a follower too. Your ‘words of wisdom’ really helped me this morning!
Have a lovely weekend!
Sarah
http://www.enjoyingtheepiphany.com
Hi Sarah, thank you! (Though I fear you may be giving me too much credit with “words of wisdom”) 🙂 I’m off to check out your blog now. Have a great weekend!
Some great advice here! I think if everyone did a little better on communicating and listening to one another, there would be a lot less divorce in this country. One thing I know that I need to work on is the touching. I’m not a natural touchy-feeling person, but I know that my husband is. I need to do better at giving hugs and other forms of affections! 🙂 Thanks for this list.
Hi Victoria, I know what you mean. My husband and I are in the same boat. We’ve compromised: I try to be better about it, and thankfully he understands that sometimes I just need space. Thanks for stopping by!
Inspiring words Emily ~ great blog. 24 years of marriage and 4 kids under our belt, we’d have to say laugh, smile & pray (not necessarily in that order!) It’s hard to stay mad at someone when you are smiling. Even in the most heated disagreement, try smiling ~ it makes me remember why we fell in love in the first place. Pray ~ every day. My parents used to say the rosary every night together. It’s not easy to do ~ to pray out loud with your spouse. It’s a very intimate (not in the adult way) thing to do. It gets easier as time passes and becomes a part of who you are.
Good luck with the blog! Can’t wait to see what’s next 🙂
Hi Colleen! It’s so sweet of you to check out my blog. 24 years… that’s amazing! Congratulations! I’ll definitely try smiling next time we have a disagreement. All great advice, thanks! 🙂
Love these tips! Thanks for linking up. I am sharing this over on my Facebook community!
Thanks for hosting and sharing! 🙂
Absolutely wonderful post! I think for us communication, while it could use some work in some areas, but for the important things we are on the same page…but there is also stubbornness and determination, which neither of us lack…both good and bad! 🙂 Thanks so much for linking up with This Momma’s Meandering Mondays! Have a wonderful week!
Thanks for hosting! Being on the same page is extremely important! (And believe me, there’s no shortage of stubbornness in this house either) 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
Love this! I am going on 6 years, and I agree with all of these. All of our disagreements have stemmed from miscommunication, that is such a huge one!
Hi Bethany! I agree. I hated to be cliche because it’s not a new idea, but it’s so important I had to list it. Congrats on 6 years!
Thanks for taking the time to put together this post. Great Information. ;o)
Hi Paula, it was my pleasure! Have a great day 🙂
We had our 15th anniversary in June and I can honestly say I never, ever want to live without him. Sometimes, in the midst of all the other “stuff” that gets in the way, finding a way to communicate about something other than bills, kids, work, yada, yada, is hard. My husband and I make a point to find something to do together each week that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with any of the above, even if it’s as simple as watching our favorite show together and holding hands on the couch. Sometimes communicating can be done without talking. Once you open the lines, it’s easier.
Hi Nikki, Congratulations on 15 years! That’s a number a lot of couples don’t see anymore. I know what you mean; I can’t imagine living with my husband either. Even in my moments of frustration and conflict I know he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
Hello there! Great post! Just wanted you to know that you’re being featured on the Saturday Pin It Party on mysnippetsofinspiration.com on Friday night/Saturday 🙂 Hope you have a lovely day!
Hi Danielle, Thank you so much! 🙂
I love all the tips you’ve mentioned here. Touch ranks high in our family. 🙂 Featuring this post at Family Fun Friday!
Monica
http://happyandblessedhome.com/category/family-fun/
Hi Monica! Thank you so much. I really appreciate it! 🙂
Hi Emily,
Visiting your blog from the POFH Monday Pin It Hop. I’m co-hosting this month. My husband and I are celebrating our 28th anniversary, bless our hearts! Seriously, I love my man and I’ve tried to practice all your tips for some time. Can’t say the entire marriage, I learned as I went. Excellent tips for any stage of matrimony! Thanks for sharing.
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Hi Tammy, Congratulations! 28 years is definitely something to be proud of. I’m learning as I go too, and I know I have a lot more to learn. I just hope I don’t have to learn the hard way. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and for hosting a great party!
Thank you so much for sharing this at Domestic Superhero last week! I am featuring you today (as you know already!), and can’t wait to see what you link up this week! Thanks!
Thanks, Allyson!
You really have a way with words, Emily! You picked a good name for your blog 😉 I think all of these tips are spot on! We’re celebrating our 6 year anniversary next month, and these are all things that have helped keep our marriage together. By no means do we do these as much as we should, but when we do communicate with each other and are honest about everything, we’re much happier and have a healthier relationship.
Thank you, Erin! Congratulations on 6 years! I know, it’s so cliche but so true; when we just talk about things a lot of anger and drama can be avoided.
I so loved this post and the happy accident of stumbling upon your site. I thoroughly agree with dancing in the kitchen to relieve stress and unite the family. Whenever my son has pushed my buttons (or, maybe my other half) we have a “30 second dance party” even if there is no music. It makes us look insane, but it sure helps. Keep up the good work encouraging others to nourish their marriage and family, because that’s what life is really about.
Hi Alex, I’m glad you found me! I’m going to have to try this “30 second dance party” thing. It would probably help me avoid getting stressed and handle a frustrating situation a little (or a lot) better. Great idea! Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!
Wow this post is a refresher and all of the points are so amazingly true! I find myself in a little bit of each one….making sure I try to remember to do those things even when I don’t feel like it. My most adamant one I try to maintain is communication. I’ve seen that the more we communicate the better we know each other in certain situations and can really know what the other one is thinking before they even say it. I’ve only been married 2 1/2 years and I’ve noticed recently that me and hubby have been able to do that already and it makes me smile. Thanks for linking up with us at the Meandering Mondays Hop! 🙂 Following you now on social media 🙂
Congratulations on 2 1/2 years! That’s one of my favorite parts of marriage, knowing what the other is thinking and will say before it’s spoken. I love when we’re ordering food at a restaurant we’ve never been to before, and I know exactly what he’s going to want before he says it or when someone says something, and we’re thinking the same thing in response. There’s a wonderful closeness and bond that forms in marriage that I think too few people emphasize. I’m happy to say this whole marriage thing is even better than I’d hoped. 🙂 Thanks so much for stopping by, Brittnei! (Following you too!) 🙂
Such great advice, I’m sharing it on my Facebook page. Thanks for linking up at My Favorite Posts Show Off Weekend Party!
Michelle @ On A Wing And A Prayer
Thanks, I appreciate it! Have a great week
Love your words of wisdom!! I really really need to try to do more to try to make our marriage a happier one! 14 yrs on Sept 4th!! I know a lot of “us time” has gotten lost over the years between the newborn years, the toddler years, the school years, the pre-teen years coming up!!
Keep up the good work! It gives me hope!!
Thanks, Kathy 🙂 Congrats on 14 years and two beautiful daughters!!
What a great article Emily! I definitely agree that communication is key in marriage! And while I’d love for my hubby to read my mind he just can’t. Sometimes I simply have to tell him what I need instead of hoping that he’ll read my mind.
I was amazed at how much he appreciated me thanking him for working so hard and providing for our family. Now that I know how important it is to him, I do it more often!
I’m kind of glad my hubby can’t read my mind, but I’d sure love to read his! haha Thanks, Tshanina! 🙂
My husband and I have been married for just over 16 years.
And, the two “secrets” to our marriage are: 1.) He ALWAYS tells me good-bye when he leaves for work.
(I do the same, though my good-bye is more of a slur b/c I’m still half asleep ….. 5 am is NOT morning! It’s the
middle of the night!) And, he ALWAYS acknowledges me first thing when he gets home. And, I try and do the
same in return. (Though, w/ the chaos of kids and stuff, I forget sometimes.) He told me that he learned
this from his parents. (They’ve been married for over 46 years.)
The other “secret” is that we’re both good forgivers and good at asking for forgiveness.
This was a hard lesson for me to learn. But, he was always good at it. In doing this, the barrier
of pride and the attitude of “entitlement” are broken down. And instead, allows love to flourish,
grow and nurture the relationship to make it stronger, better, sweeter.
That’s just my two cents. :o)
Those are great tips. Asking for forgiveness is definitely hard but essential to a good and healthy relationship. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
It’s nice to have a reminder of these tips once in a while. Thanks
My pleasure, Rhonda. Thanks for reading!
You are both so cute! Pinterest collected some posts it thought I might like and one of them was yours ( a happy accident). Thanks for sharing pics of all your babies, you are very fortunate to be able to stay home with those 4 adorable bundles.
Thanks, Linda! Yes, I am very fortunate. It would be hard to leave everyday.
you are a wise woman